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ambivalence

i am neither nor there
could i be anywhere
in my heart flows frequenct ambivalence
free
it flows
in and out
cruising past desires and wants
crushing the veins
coursing through faster
pounding me out
my head it hurts
is it an ache, a sneeze,
achoo
he he
i think it's madness
setting in
ambivalence.

Burner

I fight the feelings.
They are so overwhelming.
Sometimes I want to run and hide,
disappear from the world.
A little game of hide and seek
me alone in my own world.
Sometimes my happy place isn't solace enough.
I seek a higher ground another level and escape.
I numb all
disassociate
gone
poof
disappearing act of freedom
where I perform my acts
and experience the yearned sigh.
What I do is misunderstood.
I am misunderstood.
Feel alone in my crime
My little crime of passion for the pain and anger I FEEL.
I want to escape.
I want to run.
I love the feeling.
The intensity of it all, the throbbing, the pain.
It's mine.

 

Mother Wannabe

All the dark haired, pretty ones
catch my eye.
Making me wonder
could she be the one.

Always older
in them I seek my absent mother
hoping not to get caught
in her loveless trap.

And yet--
each time it happens
like every time before
I am caught

Their little waiting doll
clinging on
vulnerable
in hopes they'll see
the child yearning within me.

I want to scream
I want to burn/cut
the pain away
use substances to forget
the hollowness within me
but I cannot.

I'm stuck
30 days in and my mind is
a little clearer.
Yet the ache is prevalent
stronger than ever
and yearning for another
mother wannabe.

Miss Sensitive

i cried today
almost 30 years of grief
let go in one moment
when all intensity seemed too much
when the rudest lady in the restaurant barked
and the steak was too salty for her old decrepit tongue.

i was her pawn, her little lashing doll
as i have been all these years,
allowing every he and she to walk all over me
and basically come close to destroying,
Me.

the horror they experienced when the stoic one
left in tears needing to be free from the pain
of them and her and the past,
all of my bile bubbling to the surface
all because a steak, a pregnant bitch
and a lover were more dominant in the gay man's world.

it comes to this many times, where i am the last
one told and the last one thought of.
but always the first to be dismissed and abandoned.

by the richest,
the uncaring,
the meanest and cruelest of them all.

little miss sensitive go go away
please leave our wonderful happy abode
which we call home, our baby, number 1.
you, miss sensitive, with the tears and all
you are fired,
banished from this establishment.

we want nothing to do with you.
so they keep the pregnant bitch, the mean old woman
and my lover and do away with me.
so i can cry and unlease my beast
into this world
pushing everyone away.

i am my worst enemy
and my strongest force of destruction
holding it all in until i perish.

 

LONELY SHEPHERD

i am weeping inside
and cannot allow anyone in
into my darkness where i wallow
and keep all the secret pain
locked tight,
guarded
unwilling to budge.

freedom, i yearn for it.
yet, the work which is necessary to do
in order to attain this
i lack the motivation
instead i stare into darkness
wishing for an easier way.

my nightly liquid numbs me
tunnels me into a sick state of despair
where i am quick to go either direction.

it's scary really-
how quick life can turn
flip an entire life upside down
constantly tormenting a soul
who ponders
over and over
what is the use
when i am such a burden.

maybe not to the few who care
or who want to come inside
but me.

i am my burden,
heavy with the past, future and
restless with desire.

i struggle
have struggled
always struggling
and where does it get me?
here
at this moment
when all is quiet and
everyone wants something
from me and i am unable to deliver.

i am a failure, you see.
a sad and lonely shepherd
lost on the path of life
wishing s

omeone would come along and
make it better just for once
make it easier
help me when i cannot.

 

WHY

I must have been striving for failure
that day
I reached
out
and
communicated with you-
expressed myself
revealed to you,
all of me.

And once again I was met
with an ignorant reticence
that left me pained
on the verge of despair
ready to destroy everything
and everyone in my way.

Fresh from "recycling" the bit of serenity
I had attained
this has
almost
pushed me to the verge
of dabbling with the desire again.

Why bother and succeed
when even you could care less
when many of you have
abadoned
your hopes of seeing
any of this aspire?

I am your helpless victim
no matter how many times
I think I am better.
I always walk away
with a much bigger bruised
and battered heart.
JUst numb!

I poured my entire being before
you
pages of agony and defeat
and waited-

for an
electronic submission
with any type of accoclade

Even from you
all I receive is one fucking line!
I am worthless apparently,
a piece of slime
so I wonder
why?
why do I bother?
why do I try?

I constantly measure the person I am
comparing the me between you
and not one is better than the other
and I am the one suffering
and you
have moved on
and tossed the entire being of me
away.